It’s the second week of school holidays and I have no day care this week. A few weeks back due to how under the weather I was, this would have been my worst nightmare (as you may have picked up from what I wrote at the time). But it’s just been really lovely. All the time spent with both my girls in our own house has again reminded me just how lucky I am to be their mum.
Today especially was one of those ones where you get to the evening and feel properly accomplished. Not that anything was particularly different today. But certainly not being sick anymore has helped my attitude a great deal over the last couple of weeks. When I was unwell and for a while in the time that followed, I just couldn’t help but notice all the shit that I was getting wrong. I constantly felt like I was neglecting each of my children in a different way, not keeping my house properly and being a right bitch to my husband. But now that I’ve got my head back in the game/ kicked the cold and food poisoning, I’m finding it easier to see the things that I’m actually doing well again.
I redid the layouts of a few of the rooms in my house and started throwing out stuff we don’t need today since I spotted (killed) a huge-ous white tail on the carpet yesterday. And where a fortnight ago I would definitely have seen all the time I didn’t spend exclusively on my kids, today I was pretty happy with the fact that I had plenty of time with my girls and also got a lot of shit done. Yay me!
I really enjoyed the fact that all my daughters wanted today was my time and my cuddles. I rediscovered a back carry for my littlest babe and so was able to work and hold her at the same time. As a result she was a happy little chappy all day. Plus she actually got all her naps in. Win!
As for my bigger girl- in her case, she is so clear with me about what she needs these days. She asks for me to play with her or hug her or sit with her so readily now. And today I did those things as often as I could. At the same time, she helped me with housework now and then and also often had to come up with activities to entertain herself. So for fostering her work-ethic, kindness and creativity, I gave myself props as well.
Most poignant for me today though was the fact that I have raised these two amazing tiny people. They are legitimately my favourite people. Even when the big one was playing out every delaying technique at bed time- I found myself looking at her little face and listening to her crazy little laugh and 40th story of the night, and wondering how I could be so fortunate as to be the one responsible for bringing her and her sister up. I’m sure most Mums would know what I’m talking about when I say that most of the time I can’t even really remember what my life was like without them. These tiny little people who it feels like only moments ago were teeny little blobby creatures. These girls who I have watched grow and bloom their little personalities as they are sure to continue to do. How could there have been a time where those angel faces and beautiful souls did not exist? How could I have not had this intense love in my life back then? It blows my mind.
When I was feeling crappy I was frightening myself with the idea that I was rushing things, pushing the time along and missing out on time with my little ones. Maybe I was. But now that I’m back to (somewhat) normal I realise that was not something to beat myself up about. Surely it’s OK to need to simply survive the days sometimes. It’s what makes these good days even more worthwhile. Not to mention- let’s face it- none of us are actually in charge of the rate that time passes. If I had any say in that- the minutes I spend stroking my baby’s cheek as she lies beside me in the morning or the afternoons bundled up with my toddler and her thick Aussie accent and tangled up little legs on the couch- would stretch on for ages.
So today I can tell that it’s worth just enjoying things for what they are. I may not be a perfect parent but I think I am a success. Even though I don’t have two little blobby babies anymore and I can’t go back to that time- those two glorious little girls are here with me and it’s wonderful. Maybe I haven’t appreciated every tiny second since they were born but I have nonetheless built strong, loving relationships with my children and they are such fantastic people. And in many ways I only have myself to thank.